At the time of writing, there are 52,849 user reviews of Skyrim: Special Edition on Steam. That’s a lot of reviews.
It’s well known that Skyrim fans were unhappy with the launch of Skyrim: Special Edition, mostly due to the fact that its launch hid vanilla Skyrim from the Steam storefront. The newer edition of Bethesda’s iconic sword and sorcery RPG is also reportedly incompatible with a variety of beloved mods - and, as we know, Bethesda games are nothing without their modding communities.
I haven’t read all 52,849 user reviews of Skyrim: Special Edition, but I have read as many as a person who reads for a living can get through in about 25 minutes - a few hundred, at least. Most of the reviews go one of two ways: someone says, “Skyrim is great,” or someone says, “Bethesda is shit.”
There are some real diamonds in the rough here, though - absolute spectacles of human absurdity. As a means of introducing as many people as possible to the sheer joy of Skyrim: Special Edition reviews, I’ve hand-picked ten of the best ones I found and ranked them from most ridiculous to semi-reasonable.
Here’s the official ranking of Skyrim user reviews on Steam.
Skyrim Steam Reviews #10: Don’t Touch The Chicken
I don’t know about you, but I’ve clocked hundreds of hours in Skyrim and I’m not quite sure which chicken this person is banging on about. That being said, I want to draw attention to the specs of this review. Do you reckon this person got in a scrap with a chicken after exactly 46.1 hours? What happened? Why is their standout remark after almost 50 hours, “DON’T TOUCH THE CHICKEN”? The capital letters are so intense.
164 people found this review helpful. How many of you are touching chickens? What is wrong with you?
Skyrim Steam Reviews #9: This Game Ruined My Life - Awesome!
Our next reviewer has clocked a whopping 2,702.8 hours in Skyrim. As you can see, they’ve been modding for eight years, which is impressive.
What I don’t understand here is the punctuation. “This game ruined my life!” is quite sad, but “Awesome!” makes it (fortunately) sound like they’re only joking. Clearly they’re just a big fan who has pumped loads of hours into Skyrim over the last nine years - there’s nothing unusual about that.
But that last part - “Modding for eight years” - makes the whole review read like: “THIS GAME RUINED MY LIFE - AWESOME! Modding for eight years…” I’m not sure what to make of it. Let’s remember that this is supposed to be a review - a subjective assessment of a game designed to inform people of whether or not it’s interesting, or funny, or shit. As reviews go, this is an exceptionally strange one.
Skyrim Steam Reviews #8: CREATION CLUB GARBAGE! + Thumbs Up
This kind of review is weirdly common in the Steam user reviews for Skyrim. It’s in all caps and is very angry towards Bethesda. I get the impression from reading it that the writer is very, very upset with the studio behind one of their favourite games.
2,162.3 hours on record, thumbs up, recommended.
Skyrim Steam Reviews #7: Are Ya Buying Skyrim, Son?
This one is a work of art, I think. For someone with only 1.4 hours on record, it’s a remarkable feat of devotion both to Skyrim and to memes. I know you can just copy and paste the “Are ya winning, son?” guy into comments, but it’s oddly prescient, isn’t it? If you’re already reading Skyrim reviews, you’re probably about 90% of the way to buying it. This person isn’t just a memelord - they’re psychic.
Skyrim Steam Reviews #6: 1,200 Hours And No Sign Of The Cloud District
I quite like this one, although I need to point out some flaws with it. For one thing, it’s a fairly useless review for anyone who hasn’t played Skyrim - which, other than me for the purpose of this experiment, constitutes the majority of people reading game reviews. It’s a nice little in-joke, but a completely and utterly weird review.
Also, “1.2k hours sunk” - mate, look at your Steam clock at the top of the review. You’re only off by about 341.5.
Skyrim Steam Reviews #5: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
This review is pretty reasonable at first glance. Charging $15 for an additional mode to a game that, at the time of the review, was six years old seems like a real dick move. I think the spacing of each “Ha” is a bit terrifying, but I like the grim finality of “nope.”
What I don’t get is that after posting this review, this person immediately went and smashed out another 46.2 hours. I’m just imagining a five-year-old accidentally eating a vegetable for the first time and getting caught out by their parents. “I still hate carrots,” they try to say mid-chomp. “I’m only eating it because I’m hungry. But I hate every second of this.”
Skyrim Steam Reviews #4: Makes Me Forget About Her
This one is very sad. The person’s username is Shrek Daniels, so I’d imagine they’re talking about Fiona. I’m worried they might have turned off Shrek after Fiona agrees to marry Lord Farquad. Stop writing Skyrim reviews, mate. Please. Finish Shrek and cheer up.
Skyrim Steam Reviews #3: Why Is Skyrim Not $3?
Pretty reasonable. This person only has 1.2 hours on record, so I’d imagine they bought Skyrim: Special Edition for $39.99 and thought, “Why is this game so expensive?” I think this a pretty solid review - it communicates that yes, they recommend Skyrim, but it’s also overpriced given that it’s nine years old and this shiny new edition isn’t actually all that different to the original. The ratio of helpful to funny is over 3:1, which further testifies to its merit. This is a bonafide semi-reasonable review, I think.
Skyrim Steam Reviews #2: You Can Eat Bees
I love this review from “Penguin.” 123.6 hours played and they’ve decided to sum up their time with the game by confirming that yes, bumblebees are edible. It’s not the most informative review, but I think it’s enough to pique someone’s curiosity. I’m putting it down as almost reasonable. Silver medal.
Skyrim Steam Reviews #1: Ass And Tiddies
Nuff said.
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